Saturday, January 16, 2010

They Say That Breaking Up Is Hard To Do... Or Is It??

Everyone has been involved with someone, in some form or fashion, and have it just not work out. Whether it be a friendship or lover, I like to refer to these as, "relationshits." Now, the ending of these are normally dramatic for most people, but for some reason mine always end rather... oddly. In fact, I am a master at making/ending "relationshits" unintentionally. What can I say, I was born gifted.

I was once dating a guy whom shall be called R. R was a really nice guy. He was cute, he had a job, he treated me well, he had a job, he was funny, and, oh yeah, he had a job. I met him in NYC after I had graduated college and was there visiting/auditioning. I was there for 17 days in order to find out if I was cut out for this place. I completely fell in love with NYC. How could I not?? I was staying in a studio in Herald Square with one of my really good friends, April, and I quickly decided on this trip that I WOULD live here one day. Now, April's cousin lived in Jersey. She came over to see April and asked me if I was seeing anyone. I told her no. So she set me up with one of her friends. Enter R. We got along great, he laughed at my jokes and, since I think I'm hysterical, that gave him plenty of bonus points in my book. We hung out everyday I was in NYC from that point on. Everything sounds wonderful, right? When does this all start turning fu-fricken-ugly?

It all started when I went back home to Houston after the trip and he came to visit. I picked him up from the airport and it was wonderful to see him again. This was a torrid love affair, I thought, and it was exciting! He thought I was his boyfriend. The reason I know this is because he said, "I missed my boyfriend!!" as soon as he got into the car. These were the kind of misunderstandings that started the turn in making this a "relationshit."

I asked him if he was hungry and he said yes, so we went to this overpriced not so great 24 hour place called Katz's. Now, I have a twisted sense of humor. I love really dark comedy and get a kick out of hearing a great scat joke. I have yet to find a joke on a subject matter that I didn't find funny. Sure, I can recognize things as socially unacceptable but, in my opinion, people need to knock it down a few pegs and not be so touchy. R didn't so much share my sense of humor. He got my sense of humor, but he didn't fully enjoy it as much as I thought he did. During our late night dinner of over priced potato pancakes, he spilled his water on the table and completely drenched everything. I took this as an opportunity to give him hell. Hey, if you're going to date me you have to be able to do a few things, and one of them is take the shit I give. I will mess with you until I am completely dry of jokes. I totally expected some humorous bantering back and forth. That didn't happen. I may have tried to start the bantering off with, that he was the reason God invented testicular cancer. He, and he alone, was the reason men had to lose a ball.

Now, is this an awful joke? Totally. Was it hysterical? That's a hell yes in my book. You see, very little offends me. It's all in the way you say it. You can call me every name in the book but if you say in the spirit of comedy, I can totally see the joke. R, it turns out, is not such a guy and was utterly offended, and quickly told me that that it wasn't funny. I told him it was and to think about it. How idiotic would it be for God to say, "Hey man, you can't keep your water in your glass? What, you don't like the things I provide for you? Fine, I'm taking your ball, suckah." At this point R just looked at me with his mouth agape. I brushed it off, whatever he didn't get the joke. It was probably because my sense of humor was way to advanced for him to fully comprehend. I paid the bill and we left. Later on that night I found out that when he was 14 he had testicular cancer.

I mean, COME ON! That is something he should have told me immediately after I made the joke. There was no recovering from this. He was angry about my joke, which I totally get! I totally understand that my joke was in poor taste, to him. But that was a moment when he should have said something along the lines of, "Yeah, dude, I don't think it's funny because I have one ball. Sooo.... yeah." I mean, Jesus.... He should have told me what he had been through after I made the joke. I'm not taking the blame for this one ending... Eh, it was doomed from the start. Bygones. Long story short, R has moved on to a happy ever after and I'm happy for him.

This is just one of many things I have said or done that may have been why things didn't work out with someone. I have a dark, awkward sense of humor, and I'm ok with that. I guess the moral of this story is testicular cancer isn't funny yet, and survivors will break up with you if you try and joke about it.


  1. Seriously? I would have laughed anyway.

    I mean, they took one of his testicles, but they didn't amputate his sense of humor. Am I right?

  2. This story has always and will always be funny to me. I always laugh. Hard and out loud. THis time I even snorted. I think the punch-line is that HE only one ball. Classic. I mean, come on! You can't make this stuff up.

  3. Priceless. I'll ask Jerry but I'm fairly confident that's funny. Even if you only have one ball... I'm guessing comedic relieve would be an ideal coping strategy. Dating-you win some, you loose some. It sucks, but it's strangly fun too... Let me tell you how I know...

  4. It's a good thing you weren't having matzo ball soup.

  5. I get your humor. I think the irony of this is that the egg eneded up in your face. Could a simple appology helped? would it have been worth it? I am not judging because you know I like to say the super wrong things, but at the right time. luck and laughs!