Saturday, January 9, 2010

And so it begins...

I will start this off by saying, THANK GOD that 2009 is over and done with. What a punch in the balls that was. May 2010 be prosperous, full of joy, and me not jumping off the Brooklyn Bridge. Oh yeah, and maybe a job/career.

Currently, I am a 26 year old actor living in the UWS of NYC. After having been a professional actor for my whole working adult life, it is becoming quite clear to me that I don't think I want to continue down this path. Do I love it? Sure. Do I love it enough to stay? Eh... I feel like I'm in an abusive relationship. I would call the business that is show the Ike to my Tina. It's a really grueling life, and to live it you honestly do HAVE to love it. I do love it... I just love things more. Call me superficial, a quitter, a sell out, I don't really care. I want things, and not just things, I want nice things. I want to own my own apartment in this city one day. I want to fill it with nice furniture that didn't come from IKEA. I want to not have a panic attack when I spend 40 bucks on a weeks worth groceries, knowing full well that it isn't enough food to last me the week. I want to buy a new pair of shoes because all the shoes I have right now are all super glued together in one way or another. I don't want to live this life anymore. Unfortunately, though, I had tunnel vision my whole life. I was going to be an actor and only and actor. There wasn't another option. I never really cared about being famous or winning awards, I just wanted to be an artist and a story teller. So if I stop being an actor, then what do I do? I can't be a mindless office drone and crunch numbers, or push papers, and do data entry all day. I would literally go ape shit on anyone who crossed my path if I did that day in and day out. I need a creative career that pays me some decent money. I don't care about living the, "high life." I would be pretty satisfied to provide a nice life, not an excessive one. The problem is, I don't know what to do and I'm slightly overwhelmed with the options. In the past I only gave myself one option, and as a serious actor that is the only way you can live your life. You live the craft, you are the job, every choice and decision you make is about how to get that next show or call back. So now that I'm thinking of taking a step back from it, which is heartbreaking in a way, what do I do? Jeez.. I totally understand those people on A&E's Intervention now because I think this is what coming off drug addiction feels like. I need an intervention. I seriously need a group of people who love me, hell, at this point I'll take a group of people who kind of know me and/or slightly like me, to gather round and guide me in what to do. And I want letters, people! I want letters that say find a career or get out of my life. If you do not find a career I will not tell you that you are fabulous, go out drinking with you, or that what your wearing makes you look gross. Can I get some tears, too? I'll pay the interventionist extra. I just don't want to work the dead end job anymore. I don't want to wait tables or work retail. I'm about to be 27, which is close to 30 and 30 in the gay world is death. Apparently. I really don't want to be a 30 year old waiter and wish I would have done something when I was 27. So, here's the project of 2010: find a career that I like and that makes money, not could make money, but actual money.

Welcome to my quater-life crisis, people. Enjoy the ride, it should be humorous. And if anyone reads this and wants send me a sandwich, it would be well received. ;)

3 comments:

  1. Jerry says get your teacher's certificate. I say what about real estate? Garza's sister would probably help you get started.

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  2. Honey - you're living my life verbatim.

    And I know that this will fall on deaf ears, just like it did when others told it to me, but here goes: the angst of your late 20s really WILL disappear. You will grow and develop a sense of calmness about your life and your passion as an artist. And you WILL be able to channel that passion into another career when and if you're ready, even though you NEVER imagined yourself doing anything else.

    I never dreamed that I would do anything other than perform 8 times a week and that's it. PERIOD. The shocking realization for me was "wow, after 28 years of preparing and working my ass off for this, I'm pretty sure there's got to be more to life - and I want more."

    There will be a split second of clarity when you will know without a doubt "I'm ready for what's next". It's NOT about being "defeated" - it's actually about expanding your horizons.

    But for now, you're having the invaluable life experience of living in NYC - remember THAT'S the reason you're there and it's obviously shaping the course of your life. Embrace that and learn from it!

    - Michael

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  3. I'm with you...we can figure this out together and then we will both have the jobs that are perfect for us!!!

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